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A man having a penis is like if you grafted a feather wand onto a cat's pelvis. We walk around all day, fascinated and playing with it absentmindedly. Here are all the things guys secretly try with their penises. A flaccid penis is basically like having a slinky in your pants. Stretch it.

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Try and fit it in things. If you have a penis you're going to see what it does or more importantly, doesn't fit into.

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Paper towel rolls, wide-mouth Snapple bottles, etc. The less it can fit into, the better you feel.

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Make a hotdog with our balls. You can wrap your balls onto either side of your penis and it basically forms a genital hotdog.

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This is funny. Measure it. It is impossible to have a penis without taking a tape measurer to it.

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We need to know the number. Just hold it, ever so gently.

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All the time. Just walking around the house doing chores and holding our penis.

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Holding our penis while driving not illegal. Pretty much anything we can do with one hand, we'll use the other hand to hold our penis.

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Try and put it in our butt. Move it without using our hands. With a lot of focus and a raging erection, we can make it dance around.

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